How not to train for a race

I’m running a half marathon this weekend. If you told me eight years ago I’d be on my third half marathon, I wouldn’t even know how far that was. Starting out, I couldn’t run a minute. Heck, I didn’t even know how to run.* Now I can go for hours. And I’d like to say I love it. I’d like to say I get that runner’s high everyone talks about. But I don’t. There’s no such thing. They’re all lying. It’s like The Emperor’s New Clothes for runners. Sure, I feel better after a run. But that’s mainly because I know I can eat all those calories I just burned.

I’ve made plenty of mistakes in the past 8 years. So I decided to share my wisdom** with all of you.
Here’s all the things you shouldn’t do when training for a half marathon.***

Don’t …
… run 13 miles a week before the race.
Taper taper taper. Running that distance will burn you out before the race has even begun. Save your energy for the real thing.

… buy brand-spanking-new sneakers close to race day.
Just like that pair of skinny jeans, you need to break in your sneakers before you take them out.

… pick a race in a coastal New England community in the middle of winter.
It’s cold. And windy. And possibly even snowing, raining or snaining.

… make up your own training schedule based on your mood, the weather and whether you've done laundry.
Sure you should be flexible, but follow a training program. It’ll guarantee you’ll be ready come race day.

… fit in extra workouts on “rest” days, thinking you’ll be super trained.
People who create training programs know what they’re doing. Your body needs those rest days whether you know it or not.

… decide to try a new class called “Chisel” at the gym the same week you plan on running the half marathon.
This will make you sore. For days.

Any other advice I should add?

*Don’t laugh.
** … or my stupidity
***I may or may not have done all of these things. I plead the 5th.

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“How not to train for a race”